Its now been just over 3 months that Jeff and I have been back together. Those months have flown by quickly and a lot has happened in that time. Good and bad news has happened, as well as joys and struggles with the children. Altogether, though, I am glad I made the decision I did, to return home.
It has been almost two weeks since we dialogued, and that wasn't even at home, It has been even longer for doing that at home. I miss it, I really do. I noticed we are starting to fall into the old slump of being on computers in the evening, even with TV or a movie on. The intimacy is fading again, and that saddens me. I am so confused! I love when he snuggles by me or comes up behind me for a hug or kiss, and dip kisses are great! Even just holding hands, but that has been going away sadly. I touch him when I can, which is frequent, but with him relaxing on the intimate spontaneous touching when he's home, it is worrying me that he is falling into the hole we were in before with our intimacy. I love that he calls on his lunch break, but I am missing his touch after I welcome him home from a long day at work. Most nights lately, after I give him a good kiss and hug when he gets home, that is it for any touching, until we go to bed. I really don't want that to continue.
I am also missing having other woman, locally, to talk to and do things with. Before we were seperated, I homeschooled the youngest. Now, however, he is in public school. I don't have any little children anymore, and not homeschooling now leaves me out of a lot of circles that I was part of at one time. I know its part of getting older, lol, but some days I just go nuts sitting around here with no one to really visit with that can understand what we sent through and what is still going on. Other women I can talk to over coffee face to face, that have been where I am now and can teach me more. Like the women in Titus. I so desire that but alas I haven't found it yet. I just pray that God will fill that desire when He so desires. It is so hard to be patient.I am part of a few email groups, but that just isn't the same as talking to someone face to face. I don't desire many to talk to, but a few good ones. IDK, just rambling really,I guess. I have always been so busy in the past with either working all the time, or always having at least one child with me almost 24/7 that I sometimes just don't know what to do with the quiet time I do have now, inbetween doing stuff around the house. Some would say to get a job, but if I do, as I learned from past history, things at home will get neglected, and I can't let that happen again. I know I am not perfect, but this is one thing I desire is to have an at least semi clean/neat/organized house, and now I have an abundance of time to do it in, but it is like too much time too. Again, just babbling, can you tell I don't get to talk to anyone much?
There is so much I would love to do, but it either requires for money or even just for Jeff to be near me.
Lord, hear my cries and prayers, and help others who are also dear to my heart, who are going through struggles we have already passed through, be able to lean on you and know that you are still on the throne and that you see whats happening in their lives. In Your Loving Name, Amen.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Intimacy and more
I am going all out here on this one, lol. God designed sex in marriage to be a beautiful thing. Before our separation, for me at least, it wasn't. I was left feeling unfulfilled every time, which probably lead to my lack of interest of lovemaking, because with me not getting a release, it wasn't really love IMO. While we were separated, I was reading some books that changed my outlook at things. They helped me to see that Love is a verb, an action word, like Nike's "Just do it", that is what I had to do, to please my husband. By pleasing Jeff, I would in the end, somehow, be able to be pleased as well. I was also praying for help in that area, because I figured if anything was going to help me with that, God would be able to of course! he has answered my prayer 7x70, if you get my meaning! We even sneak them, just because! And now, I get a release like never before, God has really truly blessed us!
Last week, a wrench was thrown in the works. Last Monday, I woke up with my right leg being numb to the touch, and through the week, it slowly grew up my right side stopping right below my shoulder. Then it went from just being numb, to also being sensitive to temperature and touch, and it wasn't just on the outside, if you get me. That was the worst of it! Last Thursday, we were ML, and all I could do was cry, it hurt so much. I kept it quiet so that Jeff wouldn't notice I hoped, but when he released, and was just holding me, he asked how bad it was, because he could tell it hurt and he had known I was crying. I told him I dealt with the pain, so he could fly, and he said I shouldn't have, that I should have said something.
With the way things were int he past, I really don't need something like this coming between us now. Since that night, I have been praying, since I still have been having pain and weakness on that side. I prayed for strength to endure and to be able to continue to please my husband. God has granted my request.
I still await the results of blood work done at the ER on Friday. Hopefully no news is good news, right?
Last week, a wrench was thrown in the works. Last Monday, I woke up with my right leg being numb to the touch, and through the week, it slowly grew up my right side stopping right below my shoulder. Then it went from just being numb, to also being sensitive to temperature and touch, and it wasn't just on the outside, if you get me. That was the worst of it! Last Thursday, we were ML, and all I could do was cry, it hurt so much. I kept it quiet so that Jeff wouldn't notice I hoped, but when he released, and was just holding me, he asked how bad it was, because he could tell it hurt and he had known I was crying. I told him I dealt with the pain, so he could fly, and he said I shouldn't have, that I should have said something.
With the way things were int he past, I really don't need something like this coming between us now. Since that night, I have been praying, since I still have been having pain and weakness on that side. I prayed for strength to endure and to be able to continue to please my husband. God has granted my request.
I still await the results of blood work done at the ER on Friday. Hopefully no news is good news, right?
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
17 days back
I am starting this blog 17 days after I have moved back in with my Husband. Things have not been easy, but it isn't because of the two of us not trying. We found out about a program called Retrouvaille and we have been trying to practice what they are teaching.
A little about our past:
We got married December 1, 2001. Jeff brought 6 children to our marriage, and I brought 2, one of which Jeff accepted and has treated as his own. When we got married, Jeff had placement of his eldest daughter, so there was 3 children living with us at the time. Then she moved back with her mother. After that, we moved to another home. Just 4 of us again, with occassional weekend visits from his children as there was no visitation schedule other than 24 hour notice, which their mother usually found ways to get around. In November 2002, we moved to a different town, and during that time, Jeff got visitation changed around so that there was an actual visitation schedule for all the children to come visit every other weekend.
During the time that we were in this other town, we ran into other issues with the county, which made us have to move back to the town we had moved from, our hometown. There, we rented the house he grew up in, from his parents. While there, we also got a puppy, for us to be able to train to help with the youngest, who was diagnosed with CP. The two grew up together as best friends. The dog looking out for the youngest. Throughout all this, we are getting constant strife from Jeff's ex. She kicked out 2 more of their children giving Jeff placement. Then one of those two moved in with Jeff's mother. Her and her new husband constantly belittling and alienating Jeff in front of the children, whether at our home or hers. Because of her troublemaking, between her and her husband, they convinced Jeff's parents to kick us out after we did many much needed rapairs inside the house. With that, we moved into the duplex we have been at since 2006 till present.
We had our arguements and fights. Both in private and in front of the children. Shortly after moving into the duplex, Jeff's ex allowed another of the children, their youngest son, to move in with us. Since then, the second oldest moved in and out again. During the rest of the time to present, Jeffs 2 boys have been in his placement. Due to added stress from from Jeffs ex and her husband, things excalated between the two of us. Argueing about how we each though the other should handle situations. We yelled a lot, and occassionally took it out by yelling at the children. Not what they deserved. At the end of January 2009, I packed up mine and my boys' belongings and the 3 of us moved into an apartment. I found a telecommuting job so I was able to do work from home.
I was so hurt. I know that Jeff and his children were hurt too. But I just couldn't face them. Jeff had struggled with images quite a bit, and that only added to the problem. When I left, I stopped attending the church we had made home. Even though I was gone, I was still talking to my good friend, who was still going to the church. She said Jeff was going on like there was no problem, nothing had changed.
We both were being headstrong and stubborn. Neither of us wanting to see our own problems, but just looking at each others problems. We weren't removing the planks that were sticking out of our own eyes, before trying to get the speck out of each others eye.
I tried to ignore the situation. I was living in a shell, broken, and missing my other half. I was too prideful, yet I was so hurt inside that I felt, all this time, like my guts were being pulled out. I kept going day by day, soley for my boys. They needed me. Spring and summer came and went. Then fall came. My lease was up at the apartment. Mom bought an rv trailer and parked it behind her house. Mom and Dad had been trying to build a 3 stall garage with living quarters above it. The goal was for me and the boys to stay in the trailer until the garage was finished. The plan was to have it liveable by end of November. Needless to say, it didn't happen.
While in the trailer, my friend notified me that Jeff started to have a relationship with an old girlfriend from school. When I found out about that, I wanted to die. My heart was being yanked out of my chest. I had been praying that Jeff would find the help he needed, as well as remember that he was still married, even though we were seperated. I had started looking at myself and working on what I saw needed to be changed in my life. While doing that, I prayed that God would show Jeff what he needed to do himself, and that Jeff would see it and accept/do it.
I "kept going" through day to day, then I heard that Jeff had ended his other relationship. I began praying even more, begging God to end my seperation. I was trying my hardest to rely on God. Things were hard at my parents' home, and in the trailer. I was willing and waiting to start anew with Jeff.
Christmas came and went and no sign from Jeff that he had started looking inside himself. I continued on, day by day, begging God to turn our marriage around. I was lonely, missing Jeff, empty. I regretted my decision to leave a year ago by then. I started reading my Bible in earnest. Searching for hope in what would become. Spring and summer came. In the spring, I was told by someone that Jeff had moved a woman into our home. Once again my heart was ripped out. I carried on. Summer was almost done. I was beginning to think that my marriage was, in fact, done. I started looking at dating sites, and started email communication with one man. Never spoke to him on the phone, never met him in person, never saw anything other than a picture. I spoke to him 4 times total. After talking to him 3 times, I started wondering how a new relationship would work for me if I wasnt' even able to get together with my husband. The 4th time I communicated with the other man, I told him I was going to try one last time to see if my husband has changed, and if he was ready to try to work on our marriage. I have not contacted nor heard from that man since then. 2 days after I sent that last communication, I sent Jeff an email. I told him that if he really wanted to give up on our vows we made before God, I was ready to go ahead and file the papers. However, if he wanted to try to really work things out, I was willing to work it out, get marriage help, etc.
As a friend said, I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. I got a laugh out of that.
I anxiously awaited Jeffs response. My heart was fluttering like butterfly wings everytime I logged into my email. A few days later, I got a response from Jeff. He agreed that we should meet to try to start working on reconciling our marriage! I was ectatic! The Tuesday after his response, we met at a local restaurant and were able to talk. Jeff's oldest, by now, has 2 little girls. Jeff had brought the oldest granddaughter with when we met. She is so precious. I fell in love with her right away. Jeff and I talked, and the Sunday after that, I went back to our church. After that, every morning, Jeff stopped at the trailer for coffee on his way to work. After a few days, he spoke to his good friend who suggested, that since there was an oportunity, that when he comes for coffee, that we take time to pray together for our marriage. We started doing so. During this time, he was trying to get the other woman moved out. I pray that I can trust Jeff told me the truth that after he got my email and sent me that positive response, that he stopped relations with that woman. He said he started sleeping downstairs in the basement on the futon sofa.
August 29th, at church, Jeff and I learned about a marriage program called Retrouvaille. The next weekend for the program, locally, was the following weekend. We made arrangements for the children, and went online to register. A few days later, we got word that we had been accepted for the program. It was friday evening through Sunday afternoon.
While we were at the weekend program, the other woman was moving out. I was to move back home the following Tuesday. Sunday night when we got out of the program, I dropped Jeff off at the house, and went to pick up my oldest from his dads and took him to his Choir rehersal. On the way home from rehersal, Jeff texted me and asked me to call him asap. I called him back and he said that his ex, when dropping off their youngest son, asked for their oldest son. The boy went outside to see what his mother wanted. She dropped his belongings at his feet and told him, in more words, that she gave up on him and didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. While Jeff and I were on the phone, hhis son was asking for me. Of all people, me. I went over and talked to him and tried to help him calm down. We called the youth pastor, who came over and talked to him. Jeff asked me, then, if me and my boys would be able to stay the night. It was just him and his boys now at the house. Me and my boys started staying back home that night. The next morning, after all 4 boys were at school, Me, my Mom, brother and another friend, loaded up our vehicles with my posessions, and took them back to the house. We unloaded the vehicles and put the stuff in the garage. After that, we started cleaning the house. The woman that had been staying there, let the house go. We had a lot of work to do.
It has been just over 2 weeks since we moved back. It hasn't been easy, but we are a work in progress.Every morning, we take time to pray just before Jeff eats breakfast and leaves for work. After work, he sits upstairs for 30 minutes to decompresss from work. During that time, I sit with him and we talk about the days events. Then, after we get the boys to bed, we try to do some "homework" together. When we are together, and not busy with family life, we try to talk about our feelings, like how we feel in different situations that crop up in our lives.
Through Christ, all things are possible.
A little about our past:
We got married December 1, 2001. Jeff brought 6 children to our marriage, and I brought 2, one of which Jeff accepted and has treated as his own. When we got married, Jeff had placement of his eldest daughter, so there was 3 children living with us at the time. Then she moved back with her mother. After that, we moved to another home. Just 4 of us again, with occassional weekend visits from his children as there was no visitation schedule other than 24 hour notice, which their mother usually found ways to get around. In November 2002, we moved to a different town, and during that time, Jeff got visitation changed around so that there was an actual visitation schedule for all the children to come visit every other weekend.
During the time that we were in this other town, we ran into other issues with the county, which made us have to move back to the town we had moved from, our hometown. There, we rented the house he grew up in, from his parents. While there, we also got a puppy, for us to be able to train to help with the youngest, who was diagnosed with CP. The two grew up together as best friends. The dog looking out for the youngest. Throughout all this, we are getting constant strife from Jeff's ex. She kicked out 2 more of their children giving Jeff placement. Then one of those two moved in with Jeff's mother. Her and her new husband constantly belittling and alienating Jeff in front of the children, whether at our home or hers. Because of her troublemaking, between her and her husband, they convinced Jeff's parents to kick us out after we did many much needed rapairs inside the house. With that, we moved into the duplex we have been at since 2006 till present.
We had our arguements and fights. Both in private and in front of the children. Shortly after moving into the duplex, Jeff's ex allowed another of the children, their youngest son, to move in with us. Since then, the second oldest moved in and out again. During the rest of the time to present, Jeffs 2 boys have been in his placement. Due to added stress from from Jeffs ex and her husband, things excalated between the two of us. Argueing about how we each though the other should handle situations. We yelled a lot, and occassionally took it out by yelling at the children. Not what they deserved. At the end of January 2009, I packed up mine and my boys' belongings and the 3 of us moved into an apartment. I found a telecommuting job so I was able to do work from home.
I was so hurt. I know that Jeff and his children were hurt too. But I just couldn't face them. Jeff had struggled with images quite a bit, and that only added to the problem. When I left, I stopped attending the church we had made home. Even though I was gone, I was still talking to my good friend, who was still going to the church. She said Jeff was going on like there was no problem, nothing had changed.
We both were being headstrong and stubborn. Neither of us wanting to see our own problems, but just looking at each others problems. We weren't removing the planks that were sticking out of our own eyes, before trying to get the speck out of each others eye.
I tried to ignore the situation. I was living in a shell, broken, and missing my other half. I was too prideful, yet I was so hurt inside that I felt, all this time, like my guts were being pulled out. I kept going day by day, soley for my boys. They needed me. Spring and summer came and went. Then fall came. My lease was up at the apartment. Mom bought an rv trailer and parked it behind her house. Mom and Dad had been trying to build a 3 stall garage with living quarters above it. The goal was for me and the boys to stay in the trailer until the garage was finished. The plan was to have it liveable by end of November. Needless to say, it didn't happen.
While in the trailer, my friend notified me that Jeff started to have a relationship with an old girlfriend from school. When I found out about that, I wanted to die. My heart was being yanked out of my chest. I had been praying that Jeff would find the help he needed, as well as remember that he was still married, even though we were seperated. I had started looking at myself and working on what I saw needed to be changed in my life. While doing that, I prayed that God would show Jeff what he needed to do himself, and that Jeff would see it and accept/do it.
I "kept going" through day to day, then I heard that Jeff had ended his other relationship. I began praying even more, begging God to end my seperation. I was trying my hardest to rely on God. Things were hard at my parents' home, and in the trailer. I was willing and waiting to start anew with Jeff.
Christmas came and went and no sign from Jeff that he had started looking inside himself. I continued on, day by day, begging God to turn our marriage around. I was lonely, missing Jeff, empty. I regretted my decision to leave a year ago by then. I started reading my Bible in earnest. Searching for hope in what would become. Spring and summer came. In the spring, I was told by someone that Jeff had moved a woman into our home. Once again my heart was ripped out. I carried on. Summer was almost done. I was beginning to think that my marriage was, in fact, done. I started looking at dating sites, and started email communication with one man. Never spoke to him on the phone, never met him in person, never saw anything other than a picture. I spoke to him 4 times total. After talking to him 3 times, I started wondering how a new relationship would work for me if I wasnt' even able to get together with my husband. The 4th time I communicated with the other man, I told him I was going to try one last time to see if my husband has changed, and if he was ready to try to work on our marriage. I have not contacted nor heard from that man since then. 2 days after I sent that last communication, I sent Jeff an email. I told him that if he really wanted to give up on our vows we made before God, I was ready to go ahead and file the papers. However, if he wanted to try to really work things out, I was willing to work it out, get marriage help, etc.
As a friend said, I was as giddy as a schoolgirl. I got a laugh out of that.
I anxiously awaited Jeffs response. My heart was fluttering like butterfly wings everytime I logged into my email. A few days later, I got a response from Jeff. He agreed that we should meet to try to start working on reconciling our marriage! I was ectatic! The Tuesday after his response, we met at a local restaurant and were able to talk. Jeff's oldest, by now, has 2 little girls. Jeff had brought the oldest granddaughter with when we met. She is so precious. I fell in love with her right away. Jeff and I talked, and the Sunday after that, I went back to our church. After that, every morning, Jeff stopped at the trailer for coffee on his way to work. After a few days, he spoke to his good friend who suggested, that since there was an oportunity, that when he comes for coffee, that we take time to pray together for our marriage. We started doing so. During this time, he was trying to get the other woman moved out. I pray that I can trust Jeff told me the truth that after he got my email and sent me that positive response, that he stopped relations with that woman. He said he started sleeping downstairs in the basement on the futon sofa.
August 29th, at church, Jeff and I learned about a marriage program called Retrouvaille. The next weekend for the program, locally, was the following weekend. We made arrangements for the children, and went online to register. A few days later, we got word that we had been accepted for the program. It was friday evening through Sunday afternoon.
While we were at the weekend program, the other woman was moving out. I was to move back home the following Tuesday. Sunday night when we got out of the program, I dropped Jeff off at the house, and went to pick up my oldest from his dads and took him to his Choir rehersal. On the way home from rehersal, Jeff texted me and asked me to call him asap. I called him back and he said that his ex, when dropping off their youngest son, asked for their oldest son. The boy went outside to see what his mother wanted. She dropped his belongings at his feet and told him, in more words, that she gave up on him and didn't want to have anything to do with him anymore. While Jeff and I were on the phone, hhis son was asking for me. Of all people, me. I went over and talked to him and tried to help him calm down. We called the youth pastor, who came over and talked to him. Jeff asked me, then, if me and my boys would be able to stay the night. It was just him and his boys now at the house. Me and my boys started staying back home that night. The next morning, after all 4 boys were at school, Me, my Mom, brother and another friend, loaded up our vehicles with my posessions, and took them back to the house. We unloaded the vehicles and put the stuff in the garage. After that, we started cleaning the house. The woman that had been staying there, let the house go. We had a lot of work to do.
It has been just over 2 weeks since we moved back. It hasn't been easy, but we are a work in progress.Every morning, we take time to pray just before Jeff eats breakfast and leaves for work. After work, he sits upstairs for 30 minutes to decompresss from work. During that time, I sit with him and we talk about the days events. Then, after we get the boys to bed, we try to do some "homework" together. When we are together, and not busy with family life, we try to talk about our feelings, like how we feel in different situations that crop up in our lives.
Through Christ, all things are possible.
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